Through a complicated set of circumstances mostly outside of my control, it seems I have arrived at a situation much like unemployment. In this regard I realize I am in excellent company, but it came as a shock anyway. Fortunately Holly makes enough money for both of us. Mostly it’s a matter of tightening up a little, so this isn’t the catastrophe it could be. What it is, though, is a time for me to really throw myself at documentary work. It’s the put-up-or-shut-up moment, and it’s a terrifying prospect made more so by all the attendant responsibilities of getting real about this. It’s hard enough making contacts, getting the footage and finding creative ways to use it. Now I’m thinking about forming a company, soliciting investors, promoting and selling the movies I make. It’s uncharted territory.
There’s no reassuring structure. No guarantee of steady work, of recognition, profit. I like patterns and for things to make sense. When I eat a meal, I eat a little bit of everything in equal parts so the whole meal lasts until the end. I like everything to add up. I’m a little zero-sum that way. But now I’m talking about creating something out of nothing, a business or a movie or a career that didn’t exist until I made it. The only way to get there is to act like I’ve already arrived. Starting a business means starting from the premise that I can create something worthwhile, worth money, and that resources should be put towards my success. It seems irresponsible, reckless, maniacal, insane.
But at the same time, it’s exactly what I want to do. Selfish or reckless or what have you, if I’m being completely honest with myself I must admit that I really want to try. Almost itching at the prospect. And while I’m being honest, I’ll add that I’m also very scared that I’ll throw myself at it and be found wanting. That tension is an engine, adventure pulling from one end and insecurity from the other.
A friend gave me a framed saying that has hung over my door for at least six years now. It’s Nisargadatta, and reads, “Wisdom tells me I am nothing. Love tells me I am everything. Between the two my life flows.” Wisdom tells me I’m much safer looking for a real job, saving money, making documentaries in my free time. Love tells me money is a poor trade for passion. And right now, between the two my life flows.